Beyond the Words: Understanding Communication Styles in Marriage

Anthony McGrath • December 29, 2025

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Communication is the "circulatory system" of a relationship. When it’s healthy, everything else functions better.  When it’s blocked, tension builds. In marriage, we don’t just communicate to exchange information; we communicate to maintain connection. Understanding your "communication fingerprint" can help you identify where things go wrong and how to fix them.


1. The Four Primary Styles

Most people lean toward one of these four styles when discussing sensitive topics:


  • Assertive (The Goal): This is the healthiest style. You state your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully without being pushy.
  • Example: "I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is messy; can we agree on a cleaning schedule?"


  • Passive: This style avoids conflict at all costs. While it seems "peaceful," it leads to bottled-up resentment.
  • Example: "It’s fine, I’ll just do the dishes myself (again)," while feeling angry inside.


  • Aggressive: This style focuses on winning the argument rather than solving the problem. It involves blaming, shouting, or criticism.
  • Example: "You’re so lazy, you never help around here!"


  • Passive-Aggressive: This style expresses anger indirectly. It’s often characterized by sarcasm, the "silent treatment," or intentional procrastination.
  • Example: "Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot you were the only one who had a busy day."



2. The "Filter" Effect


We don't just hear words; we filter them through our past experiences.

  • The Emotional Filter: If you grew up in a household where shouting was normal, you might be desensitized to it—or conversely, deeply triggered by it.


  • The "Story" Filter: Often, we hear a comment and tell ourselves a story. If your spouse says, "We're low on milk," you might hear, "You're a bad provider/homemaker."


3. Active vs. Reflective Listening


Great communication is 50% speaking and 50% listening.


  • Active Listening: Giving your full attention, making eye contact, and nodding.


  • Reflective Listening: Paraphrasing what your partner said to ensure you understood.
  • Try this: "What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely when I work late. Is that right?"


4. Avoiding the "Four Horsemen"


Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, identified four communication habits that predict the end of a relationship. If you see these, it’s time to pivot:


  1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character rather than a specific behaviour.
  2. Contempt: Acting superior; using sarcasm or eye-rolling (the greatest predictor of divorce).
  3. Defensiveness: Making excuses and playing the victim to avoid responsibility.
  4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the interaction and shutting down.


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